Sunday, July 16, 2006

Zsa Zsa Le Tights Picks His Arts

With so much happening at this years Tribeca Art Festival, please allow me, Zsa Zsa LeTights, to tell you what you're allowed to look at with your eyes and like. Not heeding my advice may leave your opinion rendered worthless. And having a worthless opinion surely renders one's life worthless and would surely mean one would have to kill oneself. I am that important. Read what you are to love.

An Evening with Barry Onion
Folk music and poetry from sometime homosexual marine, Bobby Onion and his peerless backing band, the Arse Crabs. Bertie will play a selection of songs from his wonderful debut album 'Look at Me, Dad, I'm Not a Gay Anymore,' the incredible follow up 'The Son You Played Catch With Is No Longer A Homosexual You Need Feel Ashamed Of,' the heartfelt 'Dad, You Caught Me Lapsing Blowjob-Style With The Gardner But I'll Make You Proud When I Stop Being A Gay One More Time For You,' the timeless, 'Screw You, Dad, I Was Lying When I Said I Wasn't A Gay Any More. I Am Gay. Of Course I Am. It's Not Something You Can Just Switch Off Like My Little Turtle Lamp. I'm A Fucking Gay Again And You Better Just Get Used To It, You Big Nazi Asshole. I'm a Big Fat Gay, I Love Cock And I Don't Care If Your Friends At The Bar Rib And Josh You About It. I'm Gay. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!! You hear me?! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!' and recent Billboard smash, 'Dad, It Was Just A Phase, I'm Definitely Not One of those big Gayboys.'

If you can't beg, steal or borrow a ticket for Basil Onion, then the following comes a close second.

Cartoon Dogs Balls
Intimate photographic portraits of the doctor who castrated Scooby Doo, Hong Kong Phooey, Goofy, Droopy and many more cartoon dogs. See him holding a can of beans, reminiscing over all the cartoon balls he snipped. See him eating a sandwich, whilst he thinks about animated dogs nuts. See him remove a piece of ham from his moustache whilst he thinks about drawings of dog testicles. Haunting, moving and humbling.

And finally, if you can't murder for those tickets, see this.

My Body AnPhiladelphiaia
Live Art Show where Julia Aubergine-Tampon invites members of the audience on the stage to kick her in the ass in an attempt to recreate the sounds that Sly Stallone made at the end of Rocky. People have suggested that Julia has started to rip off her own work after her previous show featured audience members kicking her ass in an attempt to recreate the sounds of Jesse 'The Body' Ventura's death scene in Predator. Make your own mind up after I have told you what to think.


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