Sunday, July 16, 2006

Storyism: The Great Roman Polanski and Salman Rushdie Sex Down- by Petula Amphetamine-Clarke

Salman Rushdie knew he couldn't beat Roman Polanski in a sex-down. He'd known it since that fateful night in Paris when he almost sexed his own beard off after Polanski threw another catty insult his way.

'All your books are good for is wiping ass off after dirty with the brown stuff it gets down there,' Polanski had cackled.

'Screw you, Polanski,' Rushdie had cried. 'I squeeze poo-poo out my big bum and out drops Chinatown.'

To hear such childish words fly forth from his own verbose mouth had sickened Rushdie. The feeling was nothing compared to how he felt moments later when Polanski challenged him to a sex-down.

'Hows about I take you downtown to Chinatown with a sex-down?' Polanski had hideously inquired.

The crowd had gasped. A stunned fat man choked so hard on a biscuit that his pubes shot out of his nuts and speared his panties. Rushdie had known he would have to accept. Refusing sex urgings in front of so many people would have made him look like a man's balls.

'I'm going to take my sex and sex your arse apart, Polanski.' Rushdie sweatily screeched.

It hadn't worked out that way. Polanski had destroyed him, and Rushdie had spent the night having his ears sexed off and his hips sexed apart, so that he looked like a pile of sexed up leaves on top of an angry badger. Now twenty years on, Polanski had kidnapped his lover, Optimus Prime, and was threatening murderous antics if Rushdie didn't jump over to his house for one final sex-down. As he walked towards Polanski's house he knew they wouldn't both walk away from this one. It was sex or be sexed-off; like love droppings being squeezed out of a sex-ass-bum onto sex-tiles on a sex-bathroom sex-floor. But as he walked across the grass he slipped on some bear shit, fell and ripped the seat of his pants.

'There's no way I'm taking on Polanski with my arse hanging out of my trousers,' he said.

So he just went to the pub instead and ate a big pie.

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