Monday, July 17, 2006

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: New Burt Reynolds and Mary Tyler Moore Sitcom 'Completely Fucked'.

There had been much excitement and joyerry in the TV World as a new sitcom starring Mary Tyler Moore and Burt Reynolds, called Mister, You're So Cheeky!, almost got the green light. The project was considered gold until Burt insisted that he write some of his own jokes, threatening to walk out if the demand wasn’t met. The producers reluctantly agreed to allow this but Studio Execs pulled the plug when they saw the pilot and the project is now 'completely fucked'. Some of the following script excerpts, written by Burt Reynolds, have been blamed for the projects demise.

SCENE- HOME

MTM: It's just my mother. You can't talk to my mother for thirty seconds?

BURT: Never mind, your mother. What about that fucking Andy Serkis bastard?

MTM: Who?

BURT: He played Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Well, I say 'played'. He jumped about in a fucking bodystocking, with movement sensor pads stuck up his ass, and then they drew an ugly little cartoon fuck over the top of him. And people said he should get a special Oscar for it? Fuck him. I didn't even get an Oscar for Boogie Nights. I lost out to that little Gollum-looking bastard, Robin Williams. Did you see my face when I didn't get the award? No fake, fucking smiles from Burt Reynolds. Pure contempt. Screw Andy Serkis and Robin Williams. They are a pair of fucking cunts. What? Is that just a bit too cheeky?

SCENE- BASEBALL GAME

MTM: I'm trying. I'm trying to get involved in something that you like.

BURT: Who? Andy Serkis. That King Kong fuck? They stick some sensors up his white ass and make him jump around like a fucking monkey and I'm supposed to be impressed. I'd be great as a monkey if someone drew a big cartoon monkey over me. Tell Peter Jackson to get a hold of the Deliverance prints and draw a big cartoon monkey over me. I'll be the best monkey you've ever fucking seen. And Robin Williams? Draw me a big fucking genie. Fucking cunts. What? Is that just a bit too cheeky?

SCENE- HOME

BURT: No, come on. Seeing as how you like those films so much, shove these motion sensors up my ass.

MTM: I'm not shoving-

BURT: Fucking shove them, you rancid ass-flap.

MTM: Alright.

SHE SHOVES THE SENSORS UP HIS ASS. BURT STARTS JUMPING AROUND.

BURT: Oh, look at me, I'm a big fucking monkey! I'm a little creepy fuck! I'm a big fucking blue asshole genie cocksucker!

MTM: Well, I don't think you're moving like a monkey.

BURT: I know I don't look like a monkey right now. That's the beauty. Andy Serkis can't move like a monkey either, the fuck. It doesn't matter. Peter Jackson's going to draw one over the video and then I'll win The Oscar for Best Performance In A Sensors Up The Ass And A Big Fucking Cartoon Monkey Drawn Over My Image Role. Bunch of cunts. And Robin Williams? I'd love to tear off his head and shit up his ass. Cunt to the power of three. What? Is that just a bit too cheeky?

Mary Tyler Moore will now instead star in her own sitcom, Lynyrd My Skynyrd, playing an ass haemorrhoid trying to prevent the German industrial revolution of 1878.

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