Monday, July 17, 2006

BOOKS: New Prison Diary Gives Shocking Insight Into The State Of Prison Diaries

The following is an excerpt from Doin' Time Sucks Big Time Ass, the prison diaries of Eric Magneto Jnr. The social implications of what he writes could be both devastating and irrelevant.

Mon 10th. First day in prison. Was jailed for the little known crime of 'impersonating a police dog'. When passing sentence, the judge said, 'I will strap a milk to my head.' I was unsure how to reply to this baffling remark. The length of my sentence is to be 'perpetually getting released tomorrow'. My cellmate is an enormous man called, Booby Doodlers, he claims to be so strong that he can throw fresh air through the crust of a small pie. He terrifies me. Particularly because he can suck whole universes into his anal cavity. Cannot sleep. Unsure if this is because it is my first night on the inside or because I am getting pumped silly by Booby.

Tue 11th. Had a run-in with a prison guard. Made a remark to him about my disliking of chinstraps. It turned out that his wife was a chinstrap. He beat me to within an inch of his life. He did not use a nightstick for this act of violence. He used a condom with a tiny sheep inside it. I may never walk again but this is because I wish to spend the rest of my life behaving exactly like a peanut and not because of the beating. I am being released tomorrow.

Wed 12th. Was given the task of delivering books to the prisoners. They don't seem to have much interest in reading. I wonder if this is because all the books in our library are about the romances of chinstraps and small pies. One of the inmates asked me if I would read to him as he was unable to due to him being born with his eyes facing inwardly towards his brain. I read to him but only the sentences that had the both the words 'stipulation' and beard in them. He didn't enjoy the story. I am being released tomorrow.

Thu 13th. Incident occurred in the showers. Was asked by a vicious looking inmate to pick up his soap. He was only six inches tall and was being crushed underneath the weight of it. It seems that the guards turn a blind eye to what's going on in the showers. I have a plan of attack if any prisoner tries to force me into sexual relations; disguise my anus as a wolf. Have to remember not to make the disguise so convincing that I fool myself, like the time I disguised my anus as a cigar and spent several years smoking it.

Fri 14th. A play came to the prison today. It was the tale of two chinstraps trying to escape the violent clutches of a small pie. I cried at the part where a cowboy's hat was hanged for not being a horse. The same thing had happened to my own father. He was not hanged, though, merely sniffed at yearly intervals by the actor who plays Robert Downey Junior in Chaplin. I believe I have fallen in love with the actress who played the left sock of one of the brothers. She spoke to me afterwards, she said, 'Yahtzee!!!!' My understanding of this is that she will wait for me until I am released from prison. Which is tomorrow.

Sat 15th. Saw the prison doctor today. My testicles decided it was time for a change of scenery and so they moved to the back of my knees. After some discussion they said they would return to my scrotum but only if I provided air conditioning, leather interior and electric windows. I agreed to this but was soon faced with a request from my nipples for reduced working hours and more holidays around the Christmas period. I also received a letter from a solicitor representing my penis, who is suing me for sexual harassment. At least I'm being released tomorrow. Doin' Time Sucks Big Time Ass is available in all good to barely adequate book stores.

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